Snarkvark @ PoliSnark.comAlright, now that I’ve had my coffee, let’s properly tear into Colorado’s latest political dumpster fire. Here are my picks for the Top 5 Political stories of the week. They are five ballot measures so packed with bullshit, it’s a wonder they don’t come with their own septic tank. Buckle the hell up.
- Amendment 79 – Abortion Rights in the Constitution
Oh great, Colorado—just when we thought you couldn’t shove any deeper into virtue-signaling oblivion, you give us Amendment 79. We already let women abort up until crowning, but now the Boulder brigade wants to make it constitutional—because apparently, the law isn’t enough unless you tattoo it onto the damn constitution. And bonus points: taxpayer money will now fund abortions, so even that sweet old Catholic priest who gave his lunch money to charity gets to chip in. “Live and let live”? More like “Pay up and shut up.” You wanted the church to stay out of your uterus? Cool—how about staying out of their wallets, too? - Proposition 127 – No Hunting Big Cats
Here’s an idea: Let’s ban hunting mountain lions and bobcats because the hipsters in Boulder think predators only eat organic elk and meditate between meals. What could go wrong, right? Well, your golden retriever is next on the menu once these cats run out of deer. But sure, let’s make ranchers and pet owners the sacrificial lambs so Boulderites can feel morally superior while their Labradoodle gets shredded in the backyard. Ranchers are losing cattle faster than Vegas gamblers lose rent money, but hey—at least the big cats will be well-fed. - Proposition 131 – Ranked-Choice Voting
Because voting isn’t already confusing enough, now they want to turn elections into a goddamn algebra problem. Ranked-choice voting is like deciding where to eat by voting for your favorite, second-favorite, third-favorite, and so on—except nobody gets their first choice, and everyone ends up at Taco Bell. This system is so convoluted that even statisticians are throwing up their hands. Election night will now be a week-long math experiment, but at least we’ll have plenty of suspense while they try to figure out who the fuck won. - Proposition 128 – Keep Violent Offenders in Jail Longer
Finally, a halfway-decent idea. Prop 128 demands violent offenders serve at least 85% of their sentences before they can sniff parole. Of course, the usual soft-on-crime types are whining that arsonists and kidnappers deserve second chances. But let’s get real—if you set shit on fire or kidnap someone, you don’t get a participation ribbon. You get hard time. Hell, I’m surprised we even need to vote on this—shouldn’t “keep violent assholes locked up” be common sense? - Proposition JJ – Keep Sports Betting Taxes for Water Projects
And finally, Prop JJ: Colorado legalized sports betting and somehow didn’t expect people to gamble like their lives depended on it. Now, the state is raking in more than the $29 million cap and wants to keep the extra cash for water conservation projects. The casinos, of course, are pissing and moaning because they might not get their refunds. Oh no, the poor bookmakers! How will they survive without their gold-plated swimming pools? Meanwhile, we’re out here one drought away from drinking dirt, so yeah—maybe it’s time to keep the tax money where it’s needed. If your sportsbook can’t survive without a few million in refunds, you’re doing business wrong.
And there you have it—Colorado’s political freak show in all its glory. Half these proposals were probably brainstormed after too many IPAs, and the rest are “solutions” to problems they created in the first place. It’s like watching a bunch of drunk clowns set a tent on fire and then try to put it out with vodka. But hey—at least it’ll be entertaining to see how badly they screw this up.
Those are my thoughts. What do you think and what story did I miss – post them below.
