Snarkvark @ PoliSnark.comAlright, here’s the scoop, and oh boy—this heist deserves its own dumbass hall of fame. Former football star Devin Aguilar, who once rocked the field for the Washington Huskies, tried to channel some Ocean’s Eleven energy with a cash heist. Only problem? The money was too fucking heavy. Yes, folks—this brilliant plan went belly up because Aguilar and his crew couldn’t lift the $1.2 million in cash they tried to steal.
Look, it’s already bad enough that this dude went from catching touchdowns to catching charges. But how the hell do you rob a vault and forget that money weighs more than your mom’s holiday fruitcake? The Arapahoe County Sheriff’s Office was basically laughed their asses off—like, “Nice try, buddy. Hope your biceps enjoy the bench press next time.”
And what’s with Colorado roots sprouting everywhere? Aguilar is just another stellar export from our state. We grow ’em like weeds, and they pop up everywhere—football fields, failed heists, or halfway down I-25 in the back of a police cruiser. This heist was the stuff of “dumb criminals” reality TV. Apparently, Colorado’s criminal underbelly is just as high as the state’s weed smokers.
Memo to aspiring thieves: cash isn’t light. If you can’t lift it, don’t steal it. What’s next? Trying to escape on e-scooters? Hell, Aguilar should’ve stuck to playing football—at least there, the only thing he fumbled was the ball, not a million-dollar payday.
